


Office Birthday

by Rose_Verte



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22206355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_Verte/pseuds/Rose_Verte
Summary: A gift for @asouthernrussian on tumblr for the Candlenights gift exchange!They requested anything Taako with a preference for suffering. I hope this qualifies.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42
Collections: The Candlenights Zone (2019 Exchange)





	Office Birthday

For the most part, Taako had taken to his new life at the Bureau of Balance readily. Three squares (literally square, the cuisine was uninspired), and if the assignments themselves were dangerous they had the distinct advantage of being rare. He didn’t even really mind, though he was loathe to admit it, the whole office culture thing. It was...not terrible to see the same dinguses everyday if they weren’t the worst dinguses. Which these dinguses...weren’t. 

The only thing he couldn’t get over was office birthday parties. Something about them just...irked him. The Bureau supposedly did have a decent events budget (he heard talk about a big midsummer festival in a few weeks) but he found that hard to believe that day as he looked around the room and tried to plan his escape before yet another Bureau employee was serenaded with For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow (because, Fair Use). Even worse, Magnus and Merle had apparently either forgotten about this one or skipped it altogether without telling him which he was taking as a personal attack. He was just about to finish his drink and make a hasty retreat when the Director, of all people, appeared before him. 

“Sup, boss?” 

“Uh, hi, Taako. Didn't mean to bother you. Just wanted to check in, I guess. Having a good time?” 

“Um, yeah. I guess so.” He tried to fake a smile. 

She smiled back, hesitantly, before adding. “That’s great, I...can I get you anything? Another drink, maybe? It’s on me. I mean. The whole thing is on me. But. Um. Well, you get it.” She turned and chugged her drink, hiding what, if he didn’t know any better, was a fast developing blush. So...get it? No, he didn’t. It was definitely above his comprehension level to figure what, in a mundane situation such as this one, would make someone like the Director nervous.

Unless...

He let out a hearty laugh. I mean, who could blame her really? He was _Taako_. “Listen, this has been probably the most flattering version of this misunderstanding I’ve ever been subjected to but, uhhh, I happen to very much prefer the company of gentlemen. So, thanks but no thanks on the drinks I guess?” 

“What?” Her face was now closer to purple than red. “Oh my gods, Taako! I'm not-I’m not _hitting_ on you! That is a completely inappropriate assumption to make! I'm your _boss_. You know I'm your _boss_ , right? I was just...I’m just trying to wish you a happy birthday!” 

Happy birthday? This was supposed to be _his_ birthday? Taako gazed around the party, awestruck. Sure, he’d been greeted warmly. Johann, busy playing something just a little too slow as usual gave what passed for a smile when he entered and Killian had looked up from a card game to favor him a huge thumbs up. But he had chocked that up to the growing, and frankly already overdue, admiration his exploits were earning him. Not that like, he was the guest of honor at this shindig. To be fair, there was nothing particularly indicative of him personally in the setup. Same yellow cake with chocolate frosting he’d choked down during three other of these shit shows, same streamers, same brandy being discreetly passed around by Avi when the Director wasn't looking. How was he supposed to know this was his day? Except for the normal reason, obviously. Birthdays, as he understood it, were usually days that stood out in one’s memory. Especially your own birthday. 

Taako, of course, had no memory of ever having had a birthday. He’d been born, obviously and some of the adults in his early life must have remembered to mark the occasion (his aunt would have made him something nice for dinner at least, wouldn't she?) but when he tried to remember anything about it he always found himself coming up blank. He wasn't sure if it was because his parents had been so useless or just his own general...dottiness but when it came down to it he wasn't even sure he could pinpoint the day on the calendar. It didn’t really matter anyway. Birthdays were stupid. They were excuses for children to socialize because they couldn’t drink. They weren’t for fully grown adults who came from a race expected to live 500-750 years. 

That was it. Probably elves didn’t celebrate birthdays. Probably the Director was being culturally insensitive. He hadn’t been back to New Elfington in...some amount of time. But he certainly couldn’t remember any birthday parties. So there you go. 

Although, now that he was thinking about it, Leon had been the one being celebrated a few weeks ago. He remembered because he’d spent the whole event trying to convince people that what Leon really wanted was for them to use all of their Fantasy Gachapon coins to go shopping for his ideal present. 

Still. The fact was, whatever the Director was trying to do didn’t have any significance for him and in fact, was leaving him with a weird combination of annoyance and embarrassment. He needed to quash this before it went too far. 

“It isn’t my birthday.” 

The Director blinked, surprised. “What?”

Taako rolled his eyes. “Look, I appreciate the effort but I don’t, you know most elves don’t _do_ birthdays. Whatever day this is, whatever idea you got, I promise you it’s literally just random numbers I wrote on an HR form.” Although, come to think of it, he never remembered having filled out any paperwork for the B.O.B. that asked anything other than his armor class. “I don’t mark a specific day in the year when people are supposed to clap for me. That’s all year, baby.” 

“Taako…” The Director looked suddenly truly sad, which was pretty fucking disturbing if you asked him, as he wasn’t sure if he had ever seen her demonstrate an emotion stronger than quiet frustration. 

He supposed he needed to say something more to comfort her (although why she was the one upset when he was the one who had been put in such an awkward and frankly embarrassing situation, was anyone’s guess) but he was relieved of that duty by a “Hey buddy!” Followed by an almost aggressive clap on the shoulder.

“Thank the gods. Where the hell have you two been?” 

He peered at Magnus suspiciously as Merle waddled up behind him. 

“Hey! Don’t blame us! We didn’t even know it was your birthday until an hour ago. Why didn’t you tell us?” 

Taako held the bridge of his nose for a moment, a gesture he wasn’t sure where he’d picked up. “Because it’s _not_ my birthday.” 

“Oh, is that so?” Merle had finally reached the pair. “Guess I’ll be keeping your present, then.” 

Taako eyed the package Merle held up. It was brown and crinkly. It was also the exact size and shape of a wizard hat. 

“Did you wrap one of my hats in construction paper?” 

“Nooo.” Magnus grinned, opening it. “We _bedazzled_ one of your hats. _Then_ we wrapped it in construction paper.” 

What Taako saw before him was one of the tackiest pieces of clothing he had ever viewed in his life. Fake gemstones were arranged with no sense of order, affixed with an irresponsible amount of hot glue. He could feel a grin creeping onto his face. “You guys are fucking five year olds.” He put it on. “Come on, if this is really my party, we’re doing shots.” 

“Yes, now we’re talking!” Merle sidled over time Avi to procure the hard stuff. 

Taako shook his head and caught the Director’s eyes again. She was still watching them, silently and she looked less sad now and more...haunted. 

“Hey, man. We’re cool. Sorry if I was little...snippy before. This can be my birthday. I don’t give a shit. Why don’t you have them bring out the fucking yellow cake or whatever?”

“R-right.” The Director cleared her throat and called for Davenport to bring out the cake. But as the Bureau warbled their good wishes over candlelight he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else she wanted to say to him. 

It was probably nothing. He still wasn’t sure there hadn’t been a come on hidden in that exchange. Or if not that, there was something in her expression, some ulterior motive that he just didn’t understand. And the more he looked at her the more uneasy it made him feel.

So. Fuck it. There were lots of things he didn’t understand. Why worry about it when he could be having a fake birthday with his, you know, compatriots or whatever? He smiled a little wider as Merle handed him the shot he’d asked for and Magnus snuck another piece of that god awful cake. 

It was better than being alone.


End file.
